A Grieving Mind
by Alysser
Summary: Kirks reaction to Spock's death in WOK and reminiscing on the five year mission a bit. First Fic so R


**Disclaimer/Description: I don't own any characters from Star Trek shows or films of any kind, but I wish I did XD Anyway, I know that there are many stories about Kirk's reaction to Spock's death but I wanted to do one from my POV. I will admit this helped me in a way, because having lost a few pets/people the past 2 years I know how grief feels. It helped me to get some things out. It's not the best, but it was truly from the heart and I do hope you enjoy it. It's a pretty good story, although a bit long. Please R&R as this is my first fanfic =) Hope you enjoy it!**

I stood at the edge of San Francisco Bay overlooking the bridge, and was vaguely aware that it was growing darker. I _think_ I am half sober, which I haven't been in days. I don't remember much of anything anymore actually, except the one dark thought that has haunted me since it happened – _Spock is dead._ It's been a little over a week, I would guess. I don't remember getting back to San Francisco or back to my apartment, back to the old life I lead before everything happened, although I'm sure Bones had something to do with it. Knowing him, I was probably sedated half the time.

So, Spock is dead. I think I've finally come out of this blur and denial I've been in since that moment..that horrible, god-awful moment. Or maybe I haven't, I can't even determine. Maybe I just can't accept this fact yet, now that I think of it, can I EVER truly accept this fact? Spock had told me "Do not grieve, Admiral", at that moment I truthfully didn't believe he was going to die. I thought it was like the "old days" when we could just beam back up to the ship and Bones could just put us back together again. It happened to one of us, either me or Spock, at least once on a mission whether it was a minor injury or we some how wound up on our death beds, yet _again, _as Bones would say. Bones just couldn't help Spock this time; he couldn't put him back together again. I was in denial of the whole thing, I wasn't ready for this. How could I not grieve for you, Spock? How can you even think I wouldn't grieve for you? After all we've been through together, you'd think I wouldn't even be remotely upset about your death? This is probably the one time your logic has made absolutely no sense to me. I'm not the only one who misses him either, I know that. Your parents, Bones, Scotty, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, Christine…there are so many more but they've all managed to keep a stronger composure then I have. God, thinking of it now, that strong composure is probably all for _me. _I know, though that they all grieve in their own ways, in privacy. The look on Bones and Scotty's faces in those last moments were like none I've ever seen before from them.

So many people miss you, god dammit, you had so much to live for, Spock, you really did. I know you truly never thought that. I know that, sometimes, you thought you were a disappointment to everyone, including your father and your race. Most of the time, you were so proud to have Vulcan heritage, but I think secretly you liked the human part a little too – while you said you saw it as a flaw I think you were grateful for it at times. I don't know why you have always felt the need to put yourself in danger for everyone else's sake. You've always been that way, you've always put others before yourself and it has almost gotten you killed on more then one occasion. Ultimately, it was what got you killed..? I guess you always did that because you felt your life wasn't worth nearly as much as any of ours. You would make excuses about why you did it, but I think you truly felt this way. I don't get why, Spock, I just don't get it. You had so much potential, so much great friends who cared about you, we knew that it was hard for you to let out "that you had friendships" and accepted that. But we also knew you considered us friends, and you'd put your life before anyone else's in a heartbeat. Your life was so important to everyone who knew you as a friend; I hope that you truly didn't think you were _ever _below anyone of us.

I recall so many times you put yourself before someone else, but every time you came out alive. One stands out in particular, during the five year mission when we had an assignment on Gamma Trianguli IV to try and contact the natives of that planet. You took the darts of that damn poison plant for no one other then me, pushing me out of the way, even after you saw one of our crewman die from it. When I saw you lying there, all I could think about was calling Scotty to beam up your dead body. All you had to do was yell for me to get out of the way, but instead you almost killed yourself – for me. I remember that one encounter with a Romulan ship, Lt. Stiles suspected you of being a spy. He surely showed his extreme dislike of you, but you saved him _and _the entire ship that day from the Romulans despite his hatred of you. You never discriminated against anyone; you literally, had the patience of a saint. Your logic and strong composure helped me so many times I can't even count them. You helped me make such hard decisions in those years that I am forever grateful for. I had many friends through the years, many people I met at the academy and aboard the _Enterprise. _I've had moments with all of them whether it be happy, tragic, bittersweet, angry, funny, relief, and grievous. When one of the crew was injured or killed, I was always hurt but when it was you, Spock, it was different. I always felt so much more pain when it was you. There was always that ache of horrible emptiness; of course, you always managed to survive those. What I am feeling right now…I can't even describe to myself. I am living life like a robot, only doing things that are necessary. I haven't slept without Bone's hyposprays since god knows when, and I can't remember the last thing I ate, come to think of it I can't think of the last time I ate.

Spock, I have no clue why I am thinking of all this now, you're gone and that's that, you're never coming back. You were not given a second chance this time. I cannot see myself ever moving past this, at least never will I _fully_ move past this. This is one of the worst pains I've ever felt before, I've never felt this empty in my life and it is just not ebbing at all. I can't see myself ever being happy again, but I suppose I'll eventually have to move on….I just can't picture ever moving on right now. The one comfort I do get is knowing that this is probably a way you wanted to die, so nobly. You were glad to know your death was not in vain, I hope. You saved every damn person aboard that ship, and to you that was enough.

I somehow made my way back to my apartment in the dark, which was about sixteen blocks away. I don't remember anything about the walk, because of course I am still thinking of you. I am still thinking of why it had to be you, Spock, WHY? It's around nine o'clock now, I get into bed and stared nothing for another three hours..just thinking about this and feeling this pain. I felt like never getting out of bed, and just completely giving up on life. Then I thought about what Spock would say "Extremely illogical, Captain". I guess he's right, somehow that night I managed to fall asleep without any help from medication and got to escape the horrible reality for just a little while.


End file.
